As a parent, we all know it's not just hard, but it's impossible to be happy with our decisions all the time.
With 2 or more children there is even more to juggle - daily routines, special 1-on-1 time, who likes what food, activities, toys/games. An impossible, and mostly contradictory, question always lingers at the back of our minds 'I know I'm not supposed to compare my children, but am I being fair?'
It's no wonder we all get in a flap every once in a while and constantly ask ourselves if we've done the right thing, but the key here is parenting is a balance, and the good news is - with anything where balance is the key - there is usually no right or wrong!
The only time we ever think we may be doing something in the wrong way is when we accept our own thoughts and agree and believe we did something wrong.
It is easy to get into a neverending loop of believing our own negative thoughts but this is easy to get out of if we know how, and both science and psychology is on our side.
When we understand what psychologists call Confirmation Bias - which I like to explain as simply a process our brains subconsciously go through where it will continuously attempt to prove itself right - we can start the process of managing our own minds.
Let's look at an example, if we start thinking or believing 'I'm a terrible parent' or 'The decision I just made was the wrong one' our minds will find all the evidence in the next few hours, days or even weeks/months/years to prove that statement is 'true'. Before you even process it, the brain will filter out all the positives and link together all the negatives to form such a strong case you will have no choice but to believe it.
This subconscious process can even form quite a compelling argument to explain some of the more dramatic alleged experiences in life such as ghost sightings and UFO abductions.
However, the brain is an amazing tool which - when asked the right questions - can help boost our confidence and help to find us more valuable answers. So, instead of asking ourselves dead-end questions or letting us believe negative thoughts, once we know the science, we can start to tell our brains how to act.
We can start to re-phrase our questions and beliefs into proactive ones for our minds to help to find us the proof we need to make us feel better, such as:
- How much evidence can I find that I’m loved/a good mother/good at my job?
- How can I make this a more positive experience?
- What is good about this?
- How can I minimise the negative impact this will have?
When asked in the right way, these questions will prompt our brain to firstly attempt to come up with evidence to prove we are correct, then go on its own mission to attempt to find more answers and evidence for us.
Knowledge is power and Confirmation Bias might just be the one thing holding you back from living a more balanced and content life. What do you think?
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